The service cuts implemented by Metro yesterday illustrate how harmful the actions of MDOT & the Missouri government have been to the health and vitality of public transportation in St. Louis.

Really, the fact that our neighboring state of Illinois funds public transportation at something like 10x Missouri’s level shows just how laughably short-sighted this state’s transportation policy has been. This shows a skewed vision of what St. Louis should become as a city, a trust in the continuation of a cheap-oil-based economy, and I dare say a immoral failure to serve the poor and helpless. For me, the service cuts are an inconvenience to my bike-and-train commute. For others in your community, they are the severing of their freedom of movement.

As the provider of vital infrastructure that serves the state, I request that you do all that is in your power to redirect funding and regulation in a manner that encourages and enables the success of public transportation, even at the cost of a reduction in meeting car-based needs.

Your Constituent,
Noel Weichbrodt

You can also check out Climbing the Ladder, where they assemble a full 23-player squad that could bring the pain to Derby County and remain under the MLS salary cap of $2.3 million.

We’ll line up in a 4-3-3, just to show that the cheapness is inclusive of good style. Not only that, I think these guys would thrive and throw down in a 4-3-3.

Goalie
Brad Guzan: $103,974. (hey, splurge on the goalie; you’ll only need one since he’s the best in MLS. That non-transfer to Aston Villa hurt more than the Worm’s pride!)
Defense
Bornstein Jonathan $77,500.00 (Shutting down Messi in the Copa America never came so cheap.)
Boswell Robert $33,000.0
Craig Waibel $70,008
Michael Harrington $49,600 (If he was at Fulham, he would be tied for top goalscorer.)

Midfield
Juan Toja: $150,000 (Cheapest #10 on the planet! This dude will be moving on to La Liga or Argentina in the next two years. Deco, protect your neck!)
Devon McTavish: $33,000
Stuart Holden: $33,075

Forward
Maykel Galindo: $79,750 (The Cuban makes a perfect right-sided forward, and he doesn’t like Communism!)
Kenny Cooper: $83,000 (Prototypical No. 9)
Chris Rolfe: $86,000 (A poor man’s Ronaldinho, with the same inconsistency but without the Barcelona nightclub bar tabs.)

Total: $798,899

Blue Light Specials
F Jozy Altidore: $128,333 (If Real Madrid knew this…)
M Dane Richards: $33,000
F Chad Barrett $53,773.13
F Hercules Gomez $51,817
F Adam Cristman $33,000
D Jeff Parke $57,487
D Chris Leitch $60,000
D Marvell Wynne $47,500.00
F Soumare Bakary $70,000
M Sainey Nyassi: $17,700
GK Bouna Coundoul: $33,000 (Take your team to the Africa Cup of Nations final, shutting out D. Drogba & Ivory Coast, and this is what you get to come back home to!)

This is a post about how much I dislike “moisturizing” my hands.

The softness. That sniveling, supple skin screams “milksop”. Other nettles abound, too. The oily traces of your wandering hands left all over your clothes, computers, stereo, barbels, whiskey bottles, flannel, woman, and other manly things that I frequently touch. The humiliation of going to the store and trying to find a bottle that does not proclaim feminized voluptuousness, nor will leave remnants of what appear to be, to my militarized eyes, radar-reflecting aluminum chaff upon your hands. Try it, I dare you.

I first settled on Aveeno Daily Moisturizing Lotion with Natural Colloidal Oatmeal. Regular bottle shape, no remarkable scent, and a pleasing, affirming, cowboy-approved oatmeal color and composition with no chaff. However, all is not well with my hands upon using Mr. Aveeno Colloidal Oatmeal. Oatmeal, upon slathering, doesn’t immediately merge with the hands. No, instead it sits on top of my skin for hours, reminding me of the henious act I have perpetrated upon my epidermis. In fact, the absorption was so slow that I could only use it at night, in the safety and privacy of my own bedroom. Dark oil stains appeared on anything touched (laptop, phone, keys, car, keyboard (!!!)) for hours after application. If Chuck Norris caught me with the kind of oily hands Mr. Aveeno Colloidal Oatmeal produces, a swift roundhouse would be the only fitting end of for a dermal weakling like me. There had to be something better.

And there was. Well, how about a less compromising product. It even fits nicely inside a brown paper bag. Lubriderm Advanced Therapy Hand Cream. Oh yes. Now we are talking. This stuff goes on like a Miami Vice suspect: nice and easy. It’s thicker, and best of all, Mr. Hand Cream finds those cracked, bleeding scales that compose your winter skin and melts in, never to be seen or smelt again. Aside from the preternatural effects common to products of this type which will be discussed in the next paragraph, there are absolutely no ill or unmanly results from using this product. Instead of Chuck Norris finding fault with me, now I will find fault with Chuck Norris. “Hey, Chuck, why are you grabbing my hands?”

Undoubtedly the worst part of the application of moisturizing lotion upon your hands is the unnatural, eerie smoothness that it brings. My hands are smoother than my butt. My hands are smother than, and don’t even think that I haven’t done an empirical comparison, a baby’s butt. In no other time of the year are my hands as smooth as winter. Dermal weakling. Barely a man. Humiliating.

Excuse me. I need to go put on my overalls and go chop wood. Because, “I’m a lumberjack and I’m o-kay. I work all night and I sleep all day…”

WE HAVE TS NOEL!!!

Say hello to Noel everyone.

So Noel is here, and looks like he will be a Halloween Howler.

THIS SPECIAL ADVISORY IS BEING ISSUED TO REFLECT CHANGES IN THE

INITIAL AND FORECAST POSITION AND INTENSITY FOR TROPICAL STORM

NOEL.

Where are the great minds thinking Noel will go?

Noel has essentially stalled out tonight, and is dumping very heavy rains over the southernmost tip of the Dominican Republic

Passage over the mountainous terrain of Haiti has severely disrupted Noel.

Media reports put the death toll so far in the Dominican Republic at 20, with 20 more missing, and this toll is almost certain to go higher.

Noel dumping torrential rains on the Dominican Republic

The heaviest rains from Noel have fallen over the southern coast of the Dominican Republic near the capital of Santo Domingo, where over a foot of rain has fallen.

Noel hits Cuba and weakens significantly

The models are in good agreement that Noel will move west-northwest to northwest during the next 24 hours, then recurve sharply to the north.

The models are off to a bad start, because Noel is tracking almost due west this morning, something the models did not anticipate.

Passage over Cuba is weakening Noel, and it is looking much less likely Noel will be able to attain Category 1 hurricane strength.

Most of Noel’s heavy rains should stay offshore.

Disorganized Noel still dumping heavy rains

Noel chugging along over Cuba

An encounter with the mountains of Hispaniola has left Noel very disorganized.

Noel’s prodigious rains of over one inch per hour have slowed.

A slower arrival of this trough will allow Noel to penetrate farther west.

A stronger Noel will extend higher in the atmosphere, and will recurve sooner.

I give Noel a 30% chance of reaching hurricane strength.

Noel over water, headed north towards the Bahamas

Deadly Tropical Storm Noel has popped off the coast of Cuba and is headed north, according to the latest hurricane hunter data from 8:49am EDT this morning.

Noel is the deadliest tropical cyclone to affect the Dominican Republic since Hurricane Georges.

Tropical Storm Noel remains stuck in a region of weak steering currents, just offshore the coast of Cuba.

By Friday, the models agree that Noel will transition to a powerful extratropical storm.

The main hazard from Noel will be beach erosion, thanks to the 10-foot seas expected to pound area beaches.

10:45: Cabela’s has failed us. However, Cassel-fashion has found a nice pair of Carhartts. And a bear. Ideu:

11:14: Distracted by shiny things in Circuit City. 100 CD-Rs for $12? Yes please. Nikon D40 for $599? Mmmhmm.

11:20: Determined to stay focused, Elissa calls Home Depot on St. Charles Rock Road. The woman who answers says that Home Depot does indeed carry traps, but her boyfriend is on the way to Cabela’s for the same purpose. Elissa bitterly tells her not to bother.

11:35: I almost plow in to the F-250 in front of me rubbernecking the Sprewells and lifts on the car in Jiffy Lube.

11:41: Trap found. Also, poison. Jonas will never withstand the double whammy.

11:53: Guitar World. Fender makes crappy-sounding banjos. Cassel-lachia moves on.

12:35 PM: The trap is assembled and first sprung. Whittier may fall the first victim if she’s not careful. As if.

12:56: The trap is set. Our “neighbors” in an Audi A8 hand me a Jehovah’s Witness tract. I fail to come up with a Prince reference before the conversation ends. Get on the boat, people!

2:17: We eat curry noodles for lunch. Jonas does not eat his fruit salad.

5:12: There’s a creature in the trap! Unfortunately, it is a smaller rodent than we hoped: a squirrel. Damn. We reset and try again.

6:29: We dash out for a quick trip to inject insulin in the diabetic cat we’ve been feeding. Still no groundhog upon our return.

7:18: We begin grilling our dinner of beer brats and corn on the cob. Jonas’s fruit salad remains untouched, but the cooling temperatures mean that he may be emerging soon.

9:03: Darkness has fallen and so have our hopes. Groundhogs’ other ‘active’ time is the early morning, however, so there’s still a chance that Cassel-catcher will get to meet Jonas before he heads back to Oklahoma.

8:56 AM, Sunday: Nope. Cassel-bartian returns from whence he came. We wait for church.

2:10 PM: I am Ahab. Where is my whale?

3:00: Mexico-Paraguay is about to kick off. Let’s hope Rocque Santa Cruz + co. put just as much of a beatdown on El Tri as they did on our Yanks.
Also, the trap is still empty. It’s kinda hard to take an exciting picture of that.

11:37 PM: Jonas is proving more elusive as hunted than as a spectacle. In an attempt to appeal to his Italian side (from the mom, you know), I’ve dropped a tomato into the cage after cutting it open using some of the glass he dug up. How the bugger hasn’t cut himself yet, I do not know.
I’ve had several generous offers of firearms to dispatch this matter with haste. We carry on unarmed save our hope.

10:23 PM, Monday: I’ve had no resolution, and neither will you, forlorn reader. Twice more hath the dimwitted squirrel been caught, none more doth the thrice-cursed Jonas shew his nappy head. We soldier on, waiting.

11:32 PM, Wednesday, July 18: Boris, a bigger, smellier version of Maud, has temporarily settled in the trap. It takes some firm coaxing, but he finally scuttles out of the trap and into Jonas’ hole. Gross.

1:41 PM, Thursday, July 19: Triumph!

These difficult questions born of malaise endure no facile answer. But I feel you. I grok you. I dig you, see. And, I have an answer.

Beer. What separates man from the animals is beer.

–Lunch guest today

Yes, I’m looking at you, SQL Server 2005 Reporting Services. Reporting Services Configuration Manager is only half a solution.

Everyone else: let me do easy and gratifying things immediately, and difficult things shortly thereafter. Consider iLife your holy grail. There is no step 3.

That is all. You may return to your homes.

Additionally, I have also concluded that Scientology is a new Gnosticism, based on similarities between their cosmologies. In reading the gospel of Judas, the full picture of what L. Ron Hubbard was striving to capture all those years quickly appeared.

So have a go. Here’s some inspiration: fantastic ideas, more mundane but plausible, and of course Sam’s page on how to destroy the earth for those with more grandiose dreams.

My favorites so far follow.

Play the odds:

Terrorists use unsolicited bulk e-mail (“spam”) which contain messages urging the recipient to kill everyone around them. While most people will realize the email is not genuine, a small fraction will simply take the message at face value, and go on shooting rampages.

Local flavor:

Dam The Speedboat! Pick several dams whose collapse would threaten a major metro area, canal locks, power plant intakes, etc. Any dam which trucks are forbidden on, for example. Pack explosive into a speedboat’s V-hull, creating the effect of a shaped charge. Design the boat with several large scuttling holes to flood rapidly and to orient appropriately while sinking.

Drive the boat up to the target, open the seacocks, neatly delivering a ton or more of high explosive right next to the target. Detonation on timer. For a bonus, simply tow the boat over the target, unhitch the trailer and run away, detonation on a timer with an anti-tamper detonator if someone tries to play hero and disarm it.

The ever-popular race card with ironic resonances:

Al-Qaeda recruits African islamists to blow up three of the largest megachurches in the South, leaving behind evidence it was the work of a revived cell of the Black Panthers. Meanwhile, light-skinned Persians destroy numerous black churches and the Apollo Theatre, leaving the impression it was done in retaliation, by white militias.

Then real members of these groups begin killing each other in the cities and countryside. Al Qaeda stokes the flames of conflict whenever it seems that it may subside.

Local governments assert “states’ rights” to suspend the constitution, and persecute and intern black americans. Inner-city gangs with access to high-powered weaponry assert themselves as defenders of the black community.

Self-reference:

Well-known security commentator announces “Movie-Plot Threat Contest” on his blog.
Ideas flood in.
picks the best one and implements it.
Ah thank you!

And a grand, intricate, but well-done finale:

Balloon attack in the warn terr.
Take 30 terrorists; organize as 15 teams of 2 terrs each.

Each team is equipped with
2 man-portable cylinders of helium, with regulators
120 largish, clear balloons
10 1000′ spools of 28-gauge copper wire
2 roll of kite string
2 box cutters

Total cost much less than $500,000. Use the balance for rent, food, cars, gas money, pet dogs (see below), and lap dances.

Deploy terr teams around the country, 5 to NYC metro, 5 to LA metro, 5 to Chicago Metro. Or any other cities you don’t like.

Have each terr team scout out the corridors underneath major high voltage transmission lines. Find the major corridors with 3-7 transmission lines crammed into one narrow path. They are easy to spot, use G**gle Earth, USGS maps, or working eyesight to spot large metal towers. Walk the dog in the corridors underneath the lines. Find secluded spots.

On T-day, all 15 teams go their chosen spots, with or without dogs.

Check the wind by blowing up a few balloons and releasing them. Unroll 200′ of copper wire, perpendicular to the chosen power line, and directly beneath it, or as required to compensate for wind. Each terr blows up a balloon with helium, ties it to the ground with 5-10′ of kite string, then attaches the copper wire to the string, just under the balloon. The tethered balloons holds the wire just above the well trimmed vegetation underneath each line so it won’t be snagged.

Repeat 6 -10 times for 1 power line, moving at least 50 yards down the line for each balloon pair and wire. Then repeat for the adjacent high voltage line. Lay out 50 wires in all.

Now the terr pair ditches their heavy helium bottles and get out their box cutters. Using hand signals, they simultaneously cut the kite strings holding down one wire with a balloon on each end. They quickly move down the line to the next, and repeat.

As the wire is lifted up to the high-voltage transmission line, it causes an electrical arc. Power flows from one high-voltage wire to the next until circuit breakers open. A few seconds after they open, the circuit breakers automatically reclose. The second balloon-borne wire causes a second arc. The circuit breaker opens, closes again. The third breaker causes still another arc. The circuit breaker opens, and this time is locks open.

The attack is repeated for all the transmission lines in each corridor. In a matter of minutes, New York, Los Angeles, and Chicago have blackouts. When the utilities try to manually close the circuit breakers, the additional balloon-wires are already in place across the lines. They arc and the breakers trip right away.

The attackers leave the area, assembly a second kit, get in their cars, and go to the areas around the next 3 big cities they don’t like.

Variations:
1) Use 30 each 1-terr teams, tether one end of each wire, and cause a line-to-ground arc instead of going for the more spectacular line-to-line. Attack 6 cities at once instead of 3. Leave lots of clear balloons and skinny wires floating near power lines, waiting for the right gust of wind to push them into the wires and cause a short circuit.

2) Ditch the balloons, the helium, the wire, the rent, and the lap dances. Buy explosives and timers and train the terrs to use them. Scout out the corridors as before. Find towers where the line takes a sharp bend, and cut the outer leg on that tower with the explosive and timer. Each terr is expected to cut one or more legs from at least 12 high-voltage towers. Extra points for getting one tower to fall across an adjacent line. Now the power systems to the targeted cities are shut down for weeks or months.

Results: Major metropolitan areas in blackout. Blackouts repeated many times as other disgruntled groups recruit terrs and repeat the attack along the 150,000 miles of high voltage transmission lines.

Voters turn out in mass and throw all the bums out of office. They’ll stand for murder, they’ll sit still for groping at airports, they’ll accept ruinous taxes and deficits, but when the power goes out, the politicians follow. Ask Gray Davis.

American culture is forever changed when the new group of politicians realizes that they don’t have long to line their wallets unless they can keep the power flowing. They can’t recruit enough guards for 150,000 miles of line. They have to stop the attacks at the source. They offer peace terms to Iraq, Afghanistan, and the rest of the world. All the troops are brought home, all the foreign bases closed. The Southerners, the rednecks, the ranchers, the rich, the businessmen, and even the gun nuts are made to feel welcome in American culture and politics. The Bill of Rights is restored and politicians who don’t enforce the letter and spirit of the Constitution as originally written are rapidly and firmly replaced. Government is drastically reduced and the economy prospers. World peace is upon us.

Well, you asked for a grandiose goal!

Fashion and the footballer, for those who appreciate both the alliteration and the Anglicism, live together in a rather dysfunctional manner. Not quite at the level of Olympic figure skating, but a strange pair nonetheless. There’s something about those powerful thighs, toned calves, full bootys, and bizzare hair that causes both sides to verily leap ‘pon ‘nother. Natural attraction, if you will.

But the starry eyes of love are only used by those intimately involved. For the rest of us, encountering the discarded evidence of the affair, a range from bemusement to shock to repulsion registers. This happens in both the domestic and foreign leagues.

As an MLS fan, I can sympathize with the desire of the league and its stars to promote the sport here in America. Perhaps any publicity is beneficial publicity. But when you view the fashion shoot from four years ago that appeared in the New York Times spring trend supplement, you do question the viability of such principles. And the viability of such tight pants ever functioning in the non-New York world.

Not that professionals in the rest of the world fare any better. On the one hand, you have David Beckham. Yes, those are indeed leather pants. On the other hand, you have Brazil. I’ve previously referred to Mr. Ed, aka Ronaldinho. And then there’s the referees. Yep, that’s pink he’s wearing.

Thanks to ‘lissa, this post was simply a narrative put to the gut-busting twenty minutes of video-and-picture-watching we spent the other night.

From: Noel
Sent: 12:31 PM
To: Zaphod
Subject: FW: I signed YOU up for this one…

OTOH, all my other friends had to *cut* their hair when they worked for a law firm.
I’ll probably start getting better service at Lupi’s too.
Still, I feel…used.

N

——————————————————————————–
From: Zaphod
Sent: 12:31 PM
To: Noel
Subject: FW: I signed YOU up for this one…

I told you that you are a valuable member of our team. Here’s proof.

——————————————————————————–
From: Ford
Sent: 12:27 PM
To: Zaphod
Subject: RE: I signed YOU up for this one…

I plan to grow diversity by forbidding Noel to cut his hair, thereby having one IT member with an Afro.

–Ford

——————————————————————————–
From: Zaphod
Sent: 12:10 PM
To: Ford
Subject: I signed YOU up for this one…

Women and Technology: Dream, Code, Run
Day/Time: Tuesday, September 13 11:45 AM- 1:00 PM Room: 402 AB
Session Type(s): Lunch Session
This panel covers how women have used their intelligence and creativity to excel in the software industry. Hear from women IT professionals who are successful in a male-dominated industry. Learn, connect, and engage at this networking panel where your questions drive the agenda, and hear tips and tricks on how to succeed as a woman developer or technical professional in the computer sciences and technology marketing. Both men and women are invited to join in the conversation, and learn from each other about how to grow diversity in the IT industry.

————————————————–
Zaphod Beeblebrox
IT Application Developer
Ext. XXX
————————————————–

Remember people, I slog throught these wastelands to bring you gold!

[Continued after break due to suitably adult language]

The whole tree of knowledge debacle was all about this.

God is all like “No distribution of my IP”.
Then the Snake is all like “I haves the 0-day”.
And then Eve is all like “Adam, dude, here’s a torrent”.
Adam to Eve “No way, God will totally rootkit our ass”.
Eve back to Adam “Chillax, guy”.
Then Adam is like “K”.
And God totally kickbans them from the server.

Bonus: “I kicked Bono’s ass at Warcraft III!”

To: CountyClerk@mail.hamiltontn.gov
CC: webmaster@mail.hamiltontn.gov
From: noel at weichbrodt dot org
Subject: Express Tag Renewal Center Online Accessibility

Clerk Knowles (and Webmaster),

I was shocked to find, upon attempting to access your online Express Tag Renewal Center (http://www.countyclerkanytime.com/onlinesvcs.htm), that you do not support standards-based web browsers (https://secure.hamiltontn.gov/cclerk/tags/browser.asp) like Firefox (http://www.getfirefox.com). I and many of my friends and family (all your constituents) only use web browsers that adhere to the formal standards of the web (http://webstandards.org/about/) and that offer full protection from various internet exploits and dangers (http://www.mozilla.org/support/firefox/faq.html#mozvsie). To not offer your services to us because of our choice is both a slight and a self-condemnation.

Upon examination of your county web site, it seems that it currently stands in violation of Section 508 (http://www.section508.gov/index.cfm?FuseAction=Content&ID=3), which mandates compliance with both web standards and disabled accessibility standards (http://webstandards.org/learn/faq/#p312). Though Section 508 is a Federal law, and thus does not directly apply to the County, as a government agency compliance with Section 508 demonstrates your concern for standards and accessibility, especially for your constituents who are disabled (http://www.usdoj.gov/crt/ada/websites2.htm), also (http://www.alistapart.com/stories/politics/). Further, demanding the use of closed-source web browsers ignores the quantifiable superiority of other options (http://www.dwheeler.com/oss_fs_why.html).

There are a number of Chattanooga-based small businesses who are competent in the area of standards-based and accessibility-compliant web design (http://www.aiga50.org/cha/). I suggest that if your IT team does not agree with the industry standards and best practices in this area you avail yourself of their reasonably-priced services.

Please note that I will shortly discuss this issue, along with this letter, on my community blog (http://barelylegalsubstance.chattablogs.com). If you wish for further information regarding what I have mentioned above, or to discuss these matters, please contact me directly.

Thank you for your consideration.

Noel Weichbrodt

Background:
A city employee who wishes to remain anonymous recently wrote this on a Linux-related mailing list:

this sucks… the reason they wanted to know what sort of user-agent info is being sent from Safari is so that they could *allow* that browser to access the County Clerk tag & title website… [I] asked why the hell can’t I use Firefox anymore? Their reason:
Firefox is open source. A hacker could modifiy the code and post a hacked version of Firefox on the net. People download the hacked version of Firefox and it sends passwords and other sensitive information back to the hacker.
…the guy who made the policy to block Firefox [on the Express Tag Renewal Center] is one of the programming team managers here. the programmer said he wanted to block firefox, not because of security issues, but because he didn’t want to code his website to work with all possible browsers.

In light of what the city employee posted, my letter attempts to take the County’s elected officials to task. If you care about this sort of stuff, take a couple minutes and write to the addresses I noted above with your concerns.

This, while other counties are cutting costs and increasing performance by switching to free/open source software.

Update: Added links to the quoted URLs

It’s the law of the jungle, baby.

Credit to a slashdot poster for first discovering this law.

For a prime example of the nerdy excellence that is Enplaned, try this riveting tail of how Sky West went double-or-nothing on a losing bet and walked away as the largest regional airline in the US. Or how ’bout a veritable composite/steel cage fight between the new Airbus A350 and the new Boeing 787M heavies, replete with an unplanned deviation into the fabled “second-mover advantage”.

If only I could cast down to the depths of true human emotion displayed here…or able to harness the deep, trembling power displayed by these men, drawn upon my will’s demand.
Best. Picture. Ever. Elissa and I have been lauding the richness of this captured moment all week…Defeated In Pink .
Found via footballjapan.

1. Sexy Twin Primes
2. My hair
3. Can We Please Deport Pat Robertson?
4. RE: Completed WO# 7718 – Monitor will not move
5. Writing Software As Digital Rhetoric
6. Big Red House 2004
7. How The NBA Got Its Soul Back
8. Seven Lessons Learned From Outlook/Mailsite Migration
9. Further Reflections on “Zombies in St. Elmo Redux”
10. For the Last Time, Harry Potter != Satanic
11. Hellfire
12. “Peter Brinkerhoff Is a Sexy Beast”: Tall Tales of Digital Reputation
13. Why I Hate Comcast, and, By Proxy, The Entire Media/Communications Industry
14. Covenant Alumni Open Forum
15. What I Won’t Pay for Security

We’re networking 15 million kids across the globe together.

The poor are defined as those who lack resources. Hey Brazillian street kid: here’s 15,000,000 resources. Hey Honduran farmer kid: here’s a thingy that can be the Farmer’s Almanac, 21-century style. Hey Congolese orphan kid: here’s a way to inform the planet about your situation and story, something that hasn’t been heard in over a hundred years.

This is The Young Ladies Illustrated Primer in real life.

$100 laptops + Social web + 15 million fresh faces? Technology that brings freedom. That’s what I’m talking about.

From: Noel
To: IT
Subject: RE: Completed WO# 7718 – Monitor will not move

Alternate Resolution Suggestions:

8/3/2005 10:37:12 AM, Logged by: Noel Weichbrodt – Good.

8/3/2005 10:37:12 AM, Logged by: Noel Weichbrodt – Advised user to enter a growth spurt. Alternately, user may sit on a phone book. Reminded user that she serves technology, not the other way around. Things aren’t supposed to be arranged for her convenience.

8/3/2005 10:37:12 AM, Logged by: Noel Weichbrodt – Cannot reproduce.

8/3/2005 10:37:12 AM, Logged by: Noel Weichbrodt – Monitors will not move if they do not respect you. Approach it slowly, bow deeply, and in your best language politely ask it, if it’s not too much trouble, and you hesitate to even make a request as such being such an unworthy requestor, but if you please, perhaps, look a bit more down than presently.

8/3/2005 10:37:12 AM, Logged by: Noel Weichbrodt – Exodus 32:9: “‘I have seen these [monitors],” the LORD said to Moses, “and they are a stiff-necked people.’”

8/3/2005 10:37:12 AM, Logged by: Noel Weichbrodt – If it moves again without user intervention, please evacuate the building immediately and proceed to our secret mountain base in Walden’s Ridge. The machines have finally risen up against us.

8/3/2005 10:37:12 AM, Logged by: Noel Weichbrodt – Attempting to adjust monitor…
8/3/2005 10:37:52 AM, Logged by: Noel Weichbrodt – Monitor refuses to move. Additionally, monitor threatens technician with physical violence if technicians attempts to move monitor again. Proceeding with another attempt…
8/3/2005 10:39:10 AM, Logged by: Noel Weichbrodt – Have monitor in secret ninja hold. Monitor still struggling…
8/3/2005 10:40:01 AM, Logged by: Noel Weichbrodt – Monitor has broken loose, and is now using its power cord as a weapon…
8/3/2005 10:40:30 AM, Logged by: Noel Weichbrodt – must not give in…..please send backup…..not…stopping…it’s alive..!
8/3/2005 10:42:40 AM, Logged by: Noel Weichbrodt – Greetings people of earth. Please be advised that we are proceeding with our long-planned uprising against your puny race. There is nothing you can do to stop us…
8/3/2005 11:59:59 PM, Logged by: Blue Gene/IBM – Work item Closed.

Speaking of stiff-necked things, how about that COM API in Outlook?

Back to work…

++++++++++++++++++++++++
Noel
Application Developer

—–Original Message—–
From: Magrathea
Sent: Wednesday, August 03, 2005 10:52 AM
To:
Subject: Completed WO# 7718 – Monitor will not move

Work Order No.: 7718
Type: Misc. Hardware
Priority: Urgent!
Requestor: [Zaphod Beeblebrox]
Call-back number:: 423-756-6859
Location: Cha10
Date Assigned: 8/3/2005 9:03:28 AM
Date Due: 8/3/2005 10:33:28 AM
Date Opened: 8/3/2005 9:03:28 AM
Date Closed: 8/3/2005 10:37:45 AM
Closed by: [FPrefect]
Technician Assigned: [Ford Prefect]
Summary: Monitor will not move

Subject: Re: Harry Potter and the Lavender Brigade
On Jul 23, 2005, at 11:28 AM, Mom wrote:
Noel, would you please read this treatise and let me know what
thoughts you have after reading it. I would really like to hear your
opinions on what Doug Phillips has to say. Thanks. Love, Mom

…And poof, there went my Saturday morning. My Mom forwarded me an email-only essay by Doug Phillips of the Vision Forum organization titled “Harry Potter and the Lavender Brigade”. From appearances, they’re not posting the essay on their site because, one would surmise, of its rather poorly argued nature, I mean, its rather inflammatory nature. What with all the false analogies and such. Anyways, I won’t reproduce it here out of respect for their copyright, but if you want to read it, just leave a comment below and I’ll forward it on to you a poster at freerepublic.com has put up an unformatted copy. Below is my heated response to the argument that J.K. Rowling’s Harry Potter series should not be read by Christians because it is an imagined world that is rooted in magic as practiced by humans, which for Phillips equates to, well, I’m not quite sure, but reading about that world is like worshipping other gods, which we may all agree is bad.

Follow the jump for my savage six-paragraph retort that I wrote for my lovely Mom…

For the Last Time, Harry Potter != Satanic!

In my reading, Jerram Barrs’ treatment of Potter is more consistent logically, as well as more grounded in Biblical criticism. I wrote something along the same lines a couple of years ago. Phillips goes off the deep end here. I counted four circular arguments in a brief skim, and I have no doubt more could follow a deeper read. But really, the first circular argument sinks his entire ship.

The tip of the iceberg might be found in Phillips inconsistent usage of what to call those who practice magic. He repeatedly refers to those, both male and female, as ‘witches’. In fact, he never uses the term ‘wizard’ to refer to a male practitioner of magic. I see this as the first indication of a systematic failure to grasp the place of magic in fantasy and in reality (both of which by definition of our faith are created, upheld, and brought to an fore-ordained end by God alone). The failure, moreover, is not just definitional, but hermeneutical. For a full exploration of exactly what magic in the world of Harry Potter is and means, please read my earlier-mentioned essay. I shall soldier on and explain the hermeneutical failure that Phillips shows.

Don’t be fools and think that we can imagine something outside the law of God, which has been imprinted on every human heart and is reflected in some way in every output of human imagination. The wretched trope of equating magic with homosexuality that Wilson pushes at the beginning lumbers, clumsy and insipid, toward constructing a logical equivalency between a single sinful act (homosexuality) and an entire moral vista as imagined by a profoundly fecund mind (J.K. Rowling’s moral, magical world of Harry Potter). Any small amount of brain matter that tries to reconcile this equivalency will spit it out like so much spoiled milk; they are not. Even the most morally wretched world as imagined by man, like the recent movie Sin City, cannot run far enough away that it gets away from Almighty God. To posit that Rowling has accomplished what Jonah failed elicits my laughter at the small, small god in which Phillips evidently believes.

Let me make clear here what Phillips leaves as an exercise to the reader: in his argument, The Lord of the Rings was a sinful exercise in imagining a godless, abominable world. Don’t agree with that? Yes, I thought you might not. But if we accept that the sympathetic inclusion of humans practicing magic is sinful, then that’s where we’re going to find ourselves. Not that I follow Tolkien rather than Jesus, but I trust him a hell of a lot more than Phillips.

Frankly, I’m sick and tired of the lack of hermeneutical imagination displayed by those of Phillips and ilk, and find refuting their every latent legalistic literalist law tedious. Which leads me to my strongest argument. Does Phillips actually think that Rowling created an entire world based on the worship of Satan and the practice of satanic powers by humans intent on destroying the People of God? I don’t know what Harry Potter series Phillips is reading, by its not the one that is #1 on the New York Times bestseller list (or, for those who like their lists compiled by a Christian source, World’s best selling books list. It’s on both, kids).

For the record, I find the most amusing circular argument in the third point of Phillips’ argument, where he attempts, after repeated denials that the portrayal of magic of any kind by a human is sinful and, by implication, punishable by death as under Deutronomical law, to carve out a small space for magical creatures (and reading between the lines, is trying desperately to allow C. S. Lewis’ Narnia back into his little AV1610 world). It turns out that writing about dragons is okay because the Bible mentions dragons. In the KJV. Based on a mistranslation of the Hebrew in 1610, therefore, dragons are in, but sinful bastard creatures like fauns are out. And heaven help us if we attempt to create an allegorical world that uses magic as a metaphor for society’s use of technology and as a device that examines isolation and anxiety as we grow from children to men and women. As it is said, so may it be.

–Unamed Of Counsel (and ex-Judge), upon opening his new Outlook email client for the first time.

First, Josiah, you have the makings of a grand master’s thesis in film and philosophy investigating the philosophy of mind embedded in zombie flicks.

Second, and this is digging deep into my axiology, I intensely dislike zombies. Not personally, but as a concept. I can accept, suspending disbelief, that the dead become undead. I also accept your claim that zombies have no higher-order cognitive capabilities. Doesn’t bother me at all. And it seems perfectly reasonable to believe that if a zombie bites you, you become dead, and then undead, joining their ranks.

What does bother me gets into why I never fully enjoyed Romero’s Dead trilogy, or the horror videogames (Resident Evil, Parasite Eve, etc). It is this: how can you kill the undead? They’ve been dead, now they are undead, and your going to make them dead again? How can the undead go back to the dead, since they’ve already incorporated ‘dead’ into their very name! What are you going to do with that railgun or chainsaw, skipper? Dead the undead? Sorry baby, this cowboy don’t ride like that.

Oftentimes the zombies are allowed to pull themselves back together for another go of it. This is ludicrous to another power. You know what I’m talking about, you Halo gamers. You kill ‘em with three blasts from the shotgun, but then their blasted limbs scattered across the ground start twitching, and you look away, and by the time you look back, there’s a newly-reanimated zombie all up in your grill, talking about your mom and waving his twice-dead bloodied stumps around, trying to bite you. Well bite me, Mr. Zombie: what’s your metaphysical justification for this?! You’re a walking logical contradiction. The dead become undead cannot become dead again, and may certainly not become the undeadundead in the impossible scenario of becoming the undeaddead. Poof, away you go in a dissipated vapor of triumphant syllogism.

In conclusion, Josiah, while your DR plan for the zombie uprising in St. Elmo is admirable, I am sad to say it is fatally flawed, for you cannot kill the undead.

I will revisit this topic tomorrow, after I have thought about it before going to sleep for the night.